What “Emotional Regulation” Means When You Are Neurodivergent: Part One
Part One of a Two-Post Series Exploring the MEaning of “Emotional REgulation” When You are Autistic, Have ADHD, or Trauma-RElated Neurological DIfferences.
In psychology and neurodivergence studies, we use the term “emotional regulation” a lot. Although I am not a big fan of language that makes human beings sound like machines, it is a useful concept. But what does it mean, exactly? Furthermore, if you are autistic, or have ADHD or trauma-related neurological differences, does “emotional regulation” look different than it would for a neurotypical individual?
Defining emotional regulation
Here’s a simple definition you will find in many places: emotional regulation is the ability to exercise control over one’s emotions in a healthy way.
But what does “controlling emotions in a healthy way” look like? Does it mean:
Never crying, getting angry, or having autistic meltdowns?
Deciding what to feel and not feel?
Being able to override emotions when they might prevent you from doing things?
In fact, I do not use the word “control” when I talk about emotional regulation. I feel that it is misguiding. After all, when you set sail on the open sea, do you “control” the wind and water? Or are you merely observing and interacting with these elements in order to remain afloat and get to where you want to go? (Or, ultimately, accept where you end up.)
Emotion as process
My training as an Emotionally-Focused Therapist helps me to conceptualize emotions as processes. Like waves on the sea, they swell, crest, and fall over a period of time. They appear in response to environmental stimulus and by the time they disappear, they will have had a definite impact. In the words of EFT pioneer Sue Johnson, “Emotion is actually nature's exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system, designed to rapidly reorganize behavior in the interests of survival.”
Here is an example:
Stimulus: A friend teases you at a party.
Process & Signal: Your cheeks flush with embarrassment and anger and you think, “Right…I don’t enjoy being teased in public.”
Behaviour: You set a boundary with your friend around teasing when you have a moment alone together.
Survival Concerns: As a “social animal”, you need to be genuinely connected with your loved ones; ignoring this issue might harm that bond, hence you set the boundary.
Now, remember that a few paragraphs previously, I said that the “wave” of an emotion has “a definite impact”. This means that even if you suppress an emotion to the best of your ability, it will not just disappear into thin air. Even if an emotion does not drive a clear behaviour (e.g., setting a boundary with a friend), it will spend its power in different way. Maybe it will, instead, show up as muscular tension and pain in your body. Maybe it will show up as a sense of damaged trust between you and your friend. Maybe it will show up as a reluctance to attend parties in the future. One way or another, that anger and embarrassment will do something.
Between stimulus and response
Generally, when therapists speak about “being emotionally regulated”, they are implying that making thoughtful choices about what your emotions end up “doing” is healthy. So, in the example above, you are choosing to set a boundary rather than just automatically exploding in anger as soon as your cheeks flush. To teach this concept, therapists will often use a quote that is attributed to the Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
However, I find that this emphasis on “thinking”, “choosing”, and “controlling” can sometimes result in ideals of “healthiness” are unhelpful—particularly for neurodivergent people. If you have autism, ADHD, or trauma-related neurological differences, you might need a slightly more nuanced understanding of emotional regulation. I will explore that next time.
