What “Emotional Regulation” Means When You Are Neurodivergent: Part Two
Part Two of a Two-Post Series Exploring the MEaning of “Emotional REgulation” When You are Autistic, Have ADHD, or Trauma-RElated Neurological DIfferences.
Recently, I researched the number of times the average person cries in a year, and I had a laugh. In 2009, The German Society of Opthalmology collated a number of studies to determine that the average woman cries 30-64 times a year while the average man cries 6-17 times a year.
I can assure you that I cry at least twice as often as this “average woman”—and that is when life is good.
I often tell clients that “tears are the lubrication of life”. I cannot imagine my life without the ability to slow down, create a little space for my heart, and let my tears fall. I feel grateful for this natural phenomenon that supports challenging processes like grief and signals the rich meaning inherent to my most difficult experiences.
Does the frequency and intensity of my tears mark me as a person with “poor emotional regulation”? I firmly do not believe so.
Furthermore, if you an autistic individual, or one with ADHD or trauma-related brain differences, you might benefit from a reframing of “healthy emotional regulation”. It is possible that popular narratives around this concept are triggering shame for you or making you feel that healthy emotionality is beyond your reach.
Part One of this post details the concept of emotional regulation at greater length—you can read it here. But I will give a quick recap before diving into some of the factors that drive emotional differences for neurodivergent people.
Briefly, what is “emotional regulation”
"Emotional regulation" refers to managing your emotions in a healthy way. However, the concept is often oversimplified in a way that triggers shame for neurodivergent people.
Emotional regulation does not mean rigidly controlling responses like crying, anger, or meltdowns. It does not mean possessing the power to choose what you feel or do not feel. Most importantly, it does not mean that you do not have big or difficult emotions. This is true even if your emotions tend to be bigger, more difficult, and more frequent than most other people’s.
To begin explaining what emotions are and why human beings are equipped with them, I like to share a quote from EFT pioneer Sue Johnson. She said, “Emotion is actually nature's exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system, designed to rapidly reorganize behavior in the interests of survival.”
The example I gave in Part One was one of a friend teasing you at a party. In this situation, your emotional response might be embarrassment or anger, leading you to set a boundary with your friend later. Emotions signal what matters to you and direct your behavior in a helpful way—especially if you make room for, and pay attention, to them. I regard emotional regulation as maintaining a harmonious relationship with emotions—including difficult ones. When we do this, we know how to meet our needs.
Neurodivergent needs
So, here is something to consider: as an autistic individual, or one with ADHD or trauma-related brain differences, you have different needs from a neurotypical individual. Therefore, your emotional responses will tend to look different from a neurotypical person’s. You might react with difficult emotions more often, more intensely. That is not “poor emotional regulation”, per se. You can, in fact, experience frequent, big, difficult emotions and still have a mindful, healthy, harmonious (if not always fun) relationship with them.
Let us take a minute to consider a few of the factors that impact neurodivergent needs and the emotional responses they might trigger. Bear in mind, this is not an exhaustive list.
Sensory Sensitivities
If you have a heightened sensitivity to sensory input like loud noises or bright lights, it may trigger anxiety or anger (Millington, 2024). Your brain is working hard to filter out unnecessary stimuli.
Executive Functioning Challenges
Executive functioning involves skills that allow us to focus or plan. For neurodivergent individuals, especially those with ADHD, struggles in these areas can cause frustration and anger (Sprague et al, 2011).
Intense Emotional Responses
It is theorized that many neurodivergent individuals—especially autistic people—experience emotions more intensely than neurotypical individuals (Markram & Markram, 2010). This tendency can result in reactions that might seem extreme to others.
Non-Verbal Communication Stressors
If you are autistic, you may struggle to interpret social cues like body language and tone of voice (Forby et al, 2023). This can lead to feelings of frustration or alienation when social situations are unclear or challenging.
Routine Disruptions
For some, routines are crucial for emotional stability (Petrolini et al, 2023). Unexpected changes or disruptions to daily patterns can cause stress or anxiety.
Internalized Stigma
Growing up in environments that don't understand neurodivergent emotional needs can lead to internalized stigma (Wei Ai et al, 2024). This may result in the belief that your emotions are fundamentally "too much," leading to distress and attempts to mask your responses.
Your healthy regulation can look different
In light of all of the above, how could a neurodivergent person help but have more frequent, intense, and difficult emotions? If emotion is “nature's exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system”, then it should come as no surprise if autistic people, and those with ADHD and trauma-related brain differences experience more anger, sadness, and fear. To put it simply, they have much more to feel angry, sad, and scared about.
Ultimately, “healthy emotional regulation” means attuning to your emotions and acting in way that supports the needs they signal. You can do this while having a shorter fuse than others. You can do this while feeling much more fearful than others. You can do this while crying harder and more often than others.
