THe Neurodivergent Pains of being Percieved
A Story, Some Research, and a few Insights related to social Perception Struggles Faced by People living with AUtism, ADHD, and TrAuma-Related Brain Differences.
I had an experience this summer that helped me to reflect on a lifelong struggle of “being perceived”. I will the share the story and a few ideas and some research related to it in case it is helpful for other neurodivergent people. Whether you are autistic, have ADHD, or trauma-related neurological differences, this post may have some relevance for you.
When my mother’s child became a stranger
In August 2024, I was taking a ferry trip to Victoria, BC, where I live. I often struggle to correctly manipulate objects, and in the dining room line-up, attempting to use the beverage machine, I had one of these struggles. Now, I happened to be quite tired at the time, and when I am tired my demeanour is less controlled. I am also less likely to be aware of how I am coming across. In fact, if I am tired enough, I am likely to be largely unaware of what I am doing with my voice, body, and facial expressions.
In this instance, ice falling into my cup rather than water had startled me and I was urgently trying to identify the correct dispenser. At least, this was what I was conscious of doing.
However, almost entirely unknowingly, I also made a shrill noise of surprise, followed by loud anxious muttering and speedy yet unfocused movements. In other words, I was “looking like a crazy person.”
At least, this was my mother’s assessment for a few seconds. Then, she realized it was me and she started laughing in disbelief. It was incredible that she had not recognized her child, but she was also exhausted. We were moving my belongings from the mainland to Victoria, and it had been a long day.
She said, “I thought you were a crazy person, and I was going, ‘Ok, steer clear of that one.’”
We both laughed. But I thought about it quite a bit afterwards.
Perception problems and neurodivergence
The pain of being negatively and/or inaccurately perceived is a common one for many neurodivergent people. Autistic people frequently camouflage/mask the behaviours that could “out” them in order to fit into their social worlds (Attwood, 2007). They do this despite the fact that higher self-reported camouflaging is associated with worse mental health outcomes (Cook et al, 2021). When people with ADHD express “symptoms”, such as “hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattentiveness”, they are more like to face social rejection (Paulson et al, 2005). This may be why many people with ADHD have “rejection sensitivity dysphoria”, a habit of watching anxiously for, and reacting intensely to, experiences of rejection (Gardner et al, 2020).
One of my core fears is of appearing “crazy”, which is, in part, the legacy of being occasionally labeled as such. Note that I use this harsh and hurtful word in this post because it accurately reflects my lived experience as well as my internalized ableism.
Like many others, I put a certain amount of effort into “appearing normal” when I am in public. This is despite the fact that my natural inclination is to behave in a manner that would often be perceived as eccentric. For example, I “dialogue” audibly and animatedly with myself— which is only one of the reasons I sincerely relate to the character of Smeagol/Gollum in “The Lord of the Rings”. But I have a strong desire to not be judged or rejected so I only engage in this behaviour when alone. I especially dread being seen as “scary”.
This experience with my mother on the ferry gave me a fascinating glimpse into a stranger’s point of view. You see, my mother loves and accepts me to an exceptionally high degree. However, with the lens of my relationship to her temporarily punctured, she saw me in a different way. For a moment, she perceived me the way any other older woman in a dining room line-up might.
Sometimes—especially when I am particularly stressed or unguarded—I am perceived as “crazy”, “scary”, or “off”. This is hard for me, but I have found ways of accepting it. Even more importantly, I have found ways to stop internalizing it. This is a work in progress, but I have indeed made significant progress.
What does your wound require?
Perhaps it will not surprise you that self-compassion and shame-targeted therapies are an important part of my story of recovery. Indeed, research is showing that shame is a highly relevant area of therapeutic focus for autistic people (Mason et al, 2023), people with ADHD (Lücke et al, 2017), and people with trauma-related brain differences, such as those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (Buchman-Wildbaum, 2021 et al).
There are many effective, evidence-based therapeutic approaches that target shame. I have chosen to primarily practice Emotionally-Focused Therapy for Individuals (EFIT). Briefly, EFIT works with memories/ associations that are linked with shame, transforming them through exposure to helpful emotions like grief, self-compassion, and assertive anger (Shahar, 2020).
If you think in metaphors or images, imagine a piece of damp clothing (memory/association) that has been locked in a closet (shame) and is exposed to sunshine (helpful/adaptive emotion). The piece of clothing will still be essentially the same object it always was, but over time the light may eradicate the mildew it was harbouring. You might even comfortably put it on again.
